Phantom limb

When we first talked about getting divorced I took my ring off.
It seemed like a lie to wear it.

I mean what was the point?
You had broken all the vows that were associated with it.
Did I really need a piece of paper to tell me the marriage was over?

Actions speak louder than words.

And when you held the paper still for me to sign,
because my hand was shaking in rhythm with my sobs,
I knew.

It physically hurt to take the ring off, the ache of missing it almost unbearable at times.
I loved having that symbol on my finger as a reminder to me.
As a notice to others.

Once removed,
I never realized how much I touched it with my thumb for comfort.
Or did I start to do that when it was gone?
Searching in vain for something no longer there.
Like scratching a phantom limb.

Just because something is removed from you doesn't mean you'll stop feeling it there.

When I couldn't sleep at night, those first few months,
I would slip the ring back on my finger and off to sleep I would drift.

And when I'd wake
for a moment all would be o.k..
for a moment I would forget what you had done to us.
for a moment I was floating in ignorant bliss.

And then it would hit me that the ring didn't look right on my finger.
And I would remember everything.
And I'd take the ring off and feel the emptiness again.

It took me a long time to put the ring away.

Even longer to go back to it.

I knew it would be opening Pandora's box,
but I wanted to see it.
I wanted to put it on.

Problem is,
it still fits.

Definite maybe

Out of the blue you decided to tell me that you are debating dating me again.

Debating.  Meaning still undecided.  A definite maybe.

I listened to you with an open mind.
Trying to understand words that made no sense.

You think you may want to date me again, but still want to date other people as well.
But you don't want to have sex with any of us.

Well, you do, but you aren't going to.
Because you are looking for a serious relationship now.

And those other girls... the ones at the beginning that you were just having sex with... they were what you needed at the time.  But after awhile they left you feeling empty.

Now you want more.

Because you understand now that in order to form a relationship with someone you have to date them first.  Get to know the girl before you have sex with her.

Because sex changes everything. You see their flaws faster.

So you are debating dating me again.
Because you want what you had with me.
But not sure if you want it with me if you can find it with someone else.

You've been tossing the idea around for a few weeks.  You are still undecided.

You say to me....  "You are a great person.  And after five minutes together it would be like old times.  Because we really got along well.  And not everybody is perfect.  I'm learning there is always something about someone that you don't like"

And when you were done being open and honest,
more than you have ever been,
which threw me for a loop,
I said nothing.

I mean really, what was there to say?

You weren't saying anything worth responding to.

You weren't telling me you realized you had made a mistake and wanted me back.
You weren't making me an offer.
You weren't even considering my feelings at all.

Once again, this was all about you.

So I told you... stop debating.
Because nothing you said is even worth a debate.