Losing everything

He was everything to me.

My day always started with a smile because of him.
He made me feel so special.
So loved.

When I came home from the mall, he always wanted to see what I bought.
When I was going out, he always had me do a fashion show for him.
He always picked the perfect shoes.
He always told me how "purty" I was.

He opened my doors for me and always picked up the tab.
He treated me like the princess he said I was.

He was always ready to dance with me.

He never missed or forgot my birthday or Valentine's Day.
He always let me know how special I was.

He was so proud of me and loved telling everyone how great I was.
He beamed with pride that I was his.
He loved escorting me into a room on his arm.
He never let me forget that I was perfect the way I was.

He would have crawled over glass to make me smile.

He was the greatest love of my life.

Then he died.

My dad, the man who was everything to me was gone.

And I've had no choice but to accept that fact and move forward.

Which made me realize...
if I can get over the loss of the most amazing man in my world,
losing you...
really isn't losing anything at all.

If I had written his goodbye

Dearest one,

It’s time to say goodbye.

I think you and I know that if I had wanted you to be in my future, I would have at least tried to work it out with you.  I just didn't want to.  It really is as simple as that.

I’m sorry for crushing your dreams, but I have my own dreams that I must fulfill.

I wish I could say I’m sorry and it mean enough to ease your pain.

I wish I could give you all the answers to set you free.

But I’d rather some things be left unsaid. Unheard. Unexplained.

I know I've hurt you and although I feel some guilt, it’s what I needed to do to get what I wanted in my life.

I know I broke my promises to you.  Promises that you believed so strongly in.

I know I've lied to you.

I know those lies cheated you out of dreams you had for both of us. But, if we continue to talk, I will continue to lie, which will continue to hurt and confuse you.

I do believe I loved you so much once.  But that was too long ago for me to remember now. 
I realize that it’s not for you.
I can see that you are trying to survive what I have done.  But even that doesn't change my mind.

I did what I had to do to get over you, including changing who you are in my mind.  I’m comfortable holding on to those versions of you, because it makes it easy for me to walk away and get what I want.

It’s not that I don’t care for you.  It’s that I don’t want to love you again.  I don’t want to give us a second chance.

 I want a different kind of life.  One that doesn't involve you, and your juvenile Disney Susie sunshine ways.

So please run along now before I destroy all your good memories of me. 
You and I both know I am always going to get what I want even if it’s at your expense.  I've proven that. 
I destroyed our marriage over that.  Don’t let me destroy anything else. 
This will never end well for you.  It will end well for me. 

Let go.

I’m not your little prince.  You can’t fix this.  Lord knows you've tried. 

I don’t want to be the one who takes care of you. 
I don’t want you to be the one who grows old with me.
I did the one thing to you that you said you didn't believe in.
I divorced you. 

What more do you really need me to do to tell you it’s over and you need to leave.

I hope someday you do find someone who thinks you are super fabulous and appreciates you for all that you are.

That person just isn't me.

When did you fall out of love?

You can't choose who you fall in love with.

It starts out as some kind of attraction, friendship, similar interest...
and then... it grows on it's own, in spite of yourself, effortlessly.
You come to enjoy and care for this person who was once unknown to you.

But falling out of love?  That takes work, time and dedication.
It requires meticulously chipping away at someone,
day after day, year after year,
rather than remembering and embracing what you loved about them.
Punishing them for things they may not be aware of, only to justify your feelings of dislike.

Do you know how hard it is to stay angry at someone?
The kind of energy it takes to fuel that kind of negative energy?
That takes true devotion.

There is nothing effortless about falling out of love.

So when did you fall out of love?

Is it when I became your friend and not your passion?

Or is it when love became a security and not an abandonment?

Is it when you looked at me and saw the same ol' same ol' instead of the excitement of the unknown?

Or is it when hanging out with me became more of a habit than a choice?

Is it when what use to seem like a huge room started to feel like a jewelry box?

Or when your wall of anger kept you focused on hating me?

Is it when the truth hurt and the lies became flattering?

Or is it when I stopped caressing your ego or when your ego stopped caressing me?

Is it when you started telling me lies?

Or is it when you decided you just didn't want to live the lies anymore?

Actually, I guess it doesn't really matter.

The irony is, you are the one who fell out of love,
but you blamed it on me.

It's a weird thing divorce

It's a weird thing divorce.  We were together for ten years.

We fell in love, we shared the same bed, the same dreams... or so I thought.
There was a time we knew each other better than anyone else in the world.
And now?
I don't even know where you were last night.  Or with who.

But in my heart I see my husband on our wedding day. 
I see him at the end of the aisle with tears in his eyes.
And I see him standing beside me alone in the reception room.

I want to ask him how we got from dancing at our own wedding to standing three feet apart from each other complete strangers.
Would he be able to give me the answers I seek?

Marriage comes in phases.  Some good, some not so good.
But you work through things and you grow and you change and you stick by the decisions that you made.  That is your duty as husband and wife.
“knowing that the true magic of love is not to avoid changes, but to navigate them successfully.”

You read those vows with me.
When you felt like things were going bad, it was your obligation as my husband, my partner, my best friend, to tell me so we could work it out.
But you didn't.

Somewhere along the way our marriage stopped being about us.
Me and you and the life we wanted to have got lost.
Or maybe it was just the life I wanted to have.
Because I realize now, the life you wanted to have, didn't include me.
Did it ever?

I cared about your well-being more than I did my own.
I was willing to break my own heart before causing even the smallest hairline fracture in yours.
That was my biggest mistake.
Letting you think you were more important than me.  More important than us.

I want you to understand and take responsibility for what you have done.  I need you to be sorry.
But to feel sorry you have to feel remorse.
It hurts me to know you have no remorse.

What did I do to you to deserve what you did to me?

You have broken my heart.
You have ripped apart my dreams.
You have robbed me of the belief of marriage.

You think time heals all wounds and with enough of it we will be friends.
Time softens pain, but it doesn't erase it. 

I will forgive you but I will never forget what you did.
Of all the people who hurt me, you are the cruelest of all.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I love this about me.

Knowing that the people I care about never doubt what I feel about them.
Knowing they go to sleep secure in the knowledge that they are loved.

I just wanted someone to share special moments with.
Someone who loved me as much as I loved them.
I stuck through all your BS hoping we would get back to that.

But that was never your intention.

Sometimes you can’t see the joyful part of your life until it’s gone.
Sometimes it takes a huge loss to remind you about  what you cared about the most.

And sometimes you realize you married someone who could care less.