She is me when we were we

There is somebody new.
You are a we again, just not with me.

I can't stop thinking of her.


She's the one who gets to hear all the details about your day.
Which is more than what I know.

Her and I share a memory of a first kiss from you.
You who was suppose to be my last kiss.


I can't be upset with her. She met you fair and square.  She wasn't the reason you left me.
No. You didn't leave me for someone else.
You left me for the idea of someone else. Which hurts so much more.

I think about how excited people get when they first start dating.
I hate that you are feeling this about someone other than me.
Planning things to do with her.  Dressing up for her.  How you hate dressing up.
But you'll do what you have to do to get her.
You'll make sure your feathers are up, spread out and on display.

And then she'll get the same old t-shirts and shorts that you love.  The ones with the holes and stains.
The only clothes you never complained about wearing.  Of this, I am sure.

I keep thinking about how much you duped me into believing you were a fun and adventurous guy.
And maybe you are?  You just didn't want to be with me?
So you shot down all my ideas for going out and doing things.  You wanted to stay home and play games on the computer. For hours.

But now you are a social butterfly.  Now you enjoy going out.  With her.

She's getting the guy I fell for.  The guy I haven't seen in years.
And she gets him without having to cook, clean, manage the properties, take care of an ill parent, run a business, and try to figure out why you are angry all the time.
She gets the new you.
The one who isn't cranky about your job because now you barely work.

And when you grow closer to her, you'll want to protect her.  You'll feel sad when she's sad.  You'll want to cheer her up.  You will want to take care of her.  You'll want to make her smile.

She is me when we were we.

Once you were so sure it was me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
Now you are so sure that you want to start something new with someone else.

Someone new.

I don't want to be a we with someone new.
I don't want to go out and start again.
My scars are still bleeding a bit.

How do you do it?  How did you make the bleeding stop?

How Did I Lose You?

How did I lose you?

I'm slowly starting to throw things out.

Things that held so much meaning once.  Now have no meaning at all.
Tokens of our trips together.  Trinkets from concerts, theater shows, restaurants, hotels.
Cards with words from a man I no longer know.
Someone I loved so very much in a life I no longer live.

Reminders of things I never wanted to forget, are now too painful to remember.

Objects that paint a picture of a life that is gone.
That doesn't even feel real anymore.
Even though they are tangible items, they hold no weight.

How did I lose you?

How did we go from laughing while we fed each other cake to this?
I remove the photos from our special day, out of their special book, and put them in a plain envelope.
They no longer look like us because there is no us.

Do you know how hard it is to fall out of love with someone?

You can't just stop caring for a person who held a place in your heart.  
Well, I can't.
It's a slow, painful process that involves going through closets and drawers and boxes and shedding memories, hopes and dreams.

Wasn't it bad enough that you broke my heart that now I have to finish the job by shattering it?
Analyzing every photo for some kind of answer.

How did I lose you?

Getting rid of these mementos is like losing you all over again.