Time to say goodbye

I know I have to say goodbye. 

But you know how hard goodbyes are for me.  

How I don't understand not having anymore chances.
Death is the only thing that is suppose to be final.

 I loved the safety and comfort of knowing that you were always by my side.  
But that was an illusion.  
When I needed you the most you were already gone.

The sadness I feel weighs heavy on my heart.  
It's weight is too much to bear.

I know that saying goodbye is not going to make that go away.

Time heels all wounds.  
But when you are going through something really hard,
it moves like molasses.  
It's only when you are going through the good, that it passes by so quickly.

It's time I have spent crying, hurting, cursing, wondering, struggling to make sense.

Then I'll see something in a magazine I know you would like.  
And it all comes back to me. 

To know that someone was so significant to you, 
when you were so replaceable to them, 
is a hard pill to swallow. 

Do you know what it's like to feel shattered?  Pieces all around you.  
Big ones, small ones, all of them once a part of a whole thing, but no longer.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how careful you are, 
you can't make it what it was.  

Even if you could fix it, it would never be the same. 
And throwing it out doesn't get rid of it, after all, 
everything that you throw out still exists... 
somewhere.
  
Throwing it out just means you don't see it any more.

I can't see you anymore.

I know the beauty of letting go.  
Lord knows I've done it enough times.  
The problem is doing it.

  

I know 
I have 
to say 
goodbye.

And now that I have, 
I wish I didn't.