Empty Home

You are almost completely out of the house now.
Our first house together.
The house you moved into when we divorced.

You've bought a new home.
You gutted it, remodeled it and furnished it
all on your own.

For someone else to enjoy.

Since we still own our first house, together,
I've been showing it to potential renters, while you were in the process of moving out.

With the boxes
and the kick knacks
and your random items everywhere.

And it hasn't bothered me to do so.

Until today.

When I fell to my knees, in this empty house.
Our empty house.
That smells only of you.

And I cried.
No, I bawled.
No, I wailed out sobs and tears and primal noises
that echoed off the walls and through the empty rooms back to me.

So I was surrounded by my bellowing grief
your lingering ghost of a scent
and unfulfilled could've been's and tormented what if's.

This was our first home.

This is where I believed I was safe and loved.
This is where my dreams of happy ever after began.

This is where I cooked my first Thanksgiving as a wife.  For you and my dad.
The two men who meant the world to me. The two men who are no longer in my life.

And neither one of you are coming back.

Things I can't unhear

What people need to learn is that you can't unhear something once it is said.

These are some things he said to me that continue to rattle around in my head....

"I always knew I'd end up divorced"
Really?  That might have been nice to hear BEFORE we got married.  Around the time that I told you I didn't believe in divorce.

"I felt 70% of our marriage was bad"
Ouch. Since we never argued, enjoyed each others company, and got along great, I stupidly thought we were 70% good.

"All my friends hate their ex wives and have nothing nice to say about them.  I want you to know I don't feel that way and I have nothing bad to say about you."
Lucky me. Doesn't change the fact you still divorced me.

"I want to be married again someday, just not to you."
Wow.  Because with the next person you will actually try to make it work?
Or because they will be so perfect you won't need to.

"I'm proud that I can say I never cheated on you."
Clearly that must have been a huge accomplishment for you.
And you may not have physically cheated on me, but you cheated me out of so much.

"Were we really a family if we didn't have kids?"
Color me stupid for thinking we were. So if I wasn't family, was I just a maid with benefits?

"I want to be friends"
How's the old saying go?  With friends like you....

"I do."
Yeah.  That's the one that haunts me the most.