My dad is dying at home before my eyes.
It's sad and excruciatingly painful for mom and me his only caretakers.
Dad is dying knowing the man he gave my hand in marriage abandoned me.
The man who said he would be there for better or for worse.
Does it get worse than losing your husband and father at the same time?
Dad will never meet the next man in my life. The next man will never know my dad.
I hate you for that.
I hate you for denying me a mate to hold me in bed at night and dry my tears during this heart wrenching time.
When dad found out he was dying he said "Who's going to take care of you?"
I said "You are dad. From up above where you'll have the strength again to watch over me."
He smiled at that.
Dad was told the cancer had returned three months after you divorced me.
He was told he was terminal a month later.
You visited one time at the beginning. I realize now it was because you wanted to say your goodbyes.
In the following six months you've never even offered to help.
Even strangers have offered.
People I didn't share my heart, my soul, my body with.
Your true colors are shinning through.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Do I miss you?
Do I miss you?
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm too busy filling every minute of the day,
Oh.
Those endless days.
That slowly,
like sands
in the
hourglass,
pile into
weeks,
months,
a year....
to think...
about you.
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm too busy filling every minute of the day,
Oh.
Those endless days.
That slowly,
like sands
in the
hourglass,
pile into
weeks,
months,
a year....
to think...
about you.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Letter to his parents
Sent to his parents on 8/11/11
I was in your son's life for 10 years. I was his wife for 7.
I have stood by his side during all of the ups and downs, through the good and the bad. I supported every decision he made even if I disagreed with it. I have stayed true and loyal to him. I embraced his family as my own and would have fought any battle for him or any of you. I was a good, loving and supportive wife.
Your son is leaving a women who loved him very much, would have done anything for him and always had his best interest at heart.
I kept our wedding vows close to my heart. I thought nothing was so bad that you couldn't work through it. It never occurred to me that someone else could decide they just didn't want to work through it and give up. To me marriage meant forever. To him it meant something else.
I did not want this. He wanted it. I had no choice. He did not give me a choice.
I fought for our marriage. He did not. And I am heartbroken.
He asked my father's permission for my hand in marriage. To have and to hold till death do us part.
He did not ask my father's permission for this. This was a choice he made all on his own.
I waited for someone in his family to tell him...this is not the right thing to do. You made a commitment and you are supposed to honor it. You are supposed to give it your absolute best shot. Marriage is not a thing you just throw away without a good reason. Marriage is worth fighting for. She is worth fighting for.
But those words never came.
When he took me to the courthouse to file for the papers, I openly wept in public. The tears just wouldn't stop. My hand shook as I signed the papers he put in front of me. He calmly held the paper still for me so it could be signed. I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of me. Back in the car I couldn't breathe and at a stop light had to get out and walk. He showed no emotion.
Ever since I was a little girl, being married was the most important thing in my life. He knew that. He knew how long I had waited for the right person. He knew how much creating a healthy family environment meant to me. He knew how seriously I took marriage and how I never wanted to be divorced. And yet now he is placing that title on me for the rest of my life. For reasons he still has yet to explain to me.
Through all of this I have held my chin up. I have stayed true to myself and have not let my feelings of confusion and anger overwhelm me to the point where it would get bad between him and I. But today I no longer have to hold back my feelings.
Today...when I have to stand before a judge I will lie and say this is a mutual agreement. But it is not. And I will hate him for making me do it. For taking away from me something that I held so dear.
I am hurt. I am angry. I am crushed. I feel like a small insignificant disposable piece of trash being thrown out.
I am not o.k.
I thought you should know.
I was in your son's life for 10 years. I was his wife for 7.
I have stood by his side during all of the ups and downs, through the good and the bad. I supported every decision he made even if I disagreed with it. I have stayed true and loyal to him. I embraced his family as my own and would have fought any battle for him or any of you. I was a good, loving and supportive wife.
Your son is leaving a women who loved him very much, would have done anything for him and always had his best interest at heart.
I kept our wedding vows close to my heart. I thought nothing was so bad that you couldn't work through it. It never occurred to me that someone else could decide they just didn't want to work through it and give up. To me marriage meant forever. To him it meant something else.
I did not want this. He wanted it. I had no choice. He did not give me a choice.
I fought for our marriage. He did not. And I am heartbroken.
He asked my father's permission for my hand in marriage. To have and to hold till death do us part.
He did not ask my father's permission for this. This was a choice he made all on his own.
I waited for someone in his family to tell him...this is not the right thing to do. You made a commitment and you are supposed to honor it. You are supposed to give it your absolute best shot. Marriage is not a thing you just throw away without a good reason. Marriage is worth fighting for. She is worth fighting for.
But those words never came.
When he took me to the courthouse to file for the papers, I openly wept in public. The tears just wouldn't stop. My hand shook as I signed the papers he put in front of me. He calmly held the paper still for me so it could be signed. I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of me. Back in the car I couldn't breathe and at a stop light had to get out and walk. He showed no emotion.
Ever since I was a little girl, being married was the most important thing in my life. He knew that. He knew how long I had waited for the right person. He knew how much creating a healthy family environment meant to me. He knew how seriously I took marriage and how I never wanted to be divorced. And yet now he is placing that title on me for the rest of my life. For reasons he still has yet to explain to me.
Through all of this I have held my chin up. I have stayed true to myself and have not let my feelings of confusion and anger overwhelm me to the point where it would get bad between him and I. But today I no longer have to hold back my feelings.
Today...when I have to stand before a judge I will lie and say this is a mutual agreement. But it is not. And I will hate him for making me do it. For taking away from me something that I held so dear.
I am hurt. I am angry. I am crushed. I feel like a small insignificant disposable piece of trash being thrown out.
I am not o.k.
I thought you should know.
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